The Art of Humanness

In wrestling with a complicated situation recently, I found myself complaining to a friend about how I am having a difficult time with the way people communicate with one another.  (This isn’t really a new thing, I’ve had my battles, loves, hates, elation to frustration and everything in between, with all forms of modern communication over the last few years.)  My friend was quick to tell me that I am one in a much smaller percentage of people for the way I think.  What exactly is it that I think?  Basically, for me it all boils down to this:  when the mood is good, any form of communication, really, is good.  A text message to say ‘I love you’.  Good.  A longer, more detailed email to tell someone how much you appreciate them.  Good.  A phone call just to say hello or hear his voice.  Good.  Tell her face to face that she looks incredibly beautiful today.  Very good.  Makes sense, right?

Conversely, when the mood is bad…pretty much any form of communication that does not allow for as much human interaction as possible is bad.  Your good friend’s grandmother/friend/or even dog just died and you send them a text.  Bad.  Your girlfriend just lost her job and you email her.  Bad.  Ending a relationship via text message, Facebook status update (it happens!), email or even a phone call.  Bad.  Very bad.  And cowardly.  And not very manly (or womanly) at all.

Because it feels like I’m fighting against the current so often on this, I’ve sometimes wondered if it’s me.  Maybe I’m expecting too much.  Am I just not adapting to the evolution of communication?  Am I holding on to some very old-fashioned ways and slowly sinking into the quagmire of frustration and disappointment in my fellow friends, lovers and even casual acquaintances?

Turns out...I’m not.  Or at least I’m not the only one.  I stumbled upon this blog the other day called The Art of Manliness and immediately felt a sense of ‘Thank God!  Someone out there not only feels the same way I do, but they're sharing its importance with others.’  Not to mention the countless comments that come after the article(s) from BOTH men and women stating the importance of human interaction, body language, seeing someone’s face no matter how horrible the news is that has to be delivered.  The idea and the desire and the need for this aspect of communication is not completely lost…although it seems some people are desperately struggling to find it…or get it back.

             

            Excerpt:  Man Apologizes to Wife in Text Message…

            Q:

My wife and I got into an argument the other night about how many hours she has been working at her job. I would like her home more. I let things cool down a bit and did not speak with her again that night. The next day, I thought I would apologize to her for getting into an argument. But when I texted her, she responded with a snide remark. As hard as I tried to make things right, it just turned into another argument. It seems like no matter how hard I try, she is not willing to make up. Should we go to counseling?

A:

Hold on, let me get my police issue bullhorn. Testing one two. Okay. “PUT DOWN THE PHONE. REPEAT, PUT DOWN THE PHONE. IF YOU VALUE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, STEP SLOWLY AWAY FROM YOUR TEXTING DEVICE.”

Call me old-fashioned (believe me, it won’t be the worst thing I’ve been called) but I just don’t believe that all of our problems can be solved with technology…or pharmaceuticals. Some things should be handled old school. In this case, we’re talking about…well, talking.

If you care about her, AND you’re dealing with a touchy topic, do not text, do not email, do not Twitter. Really, don’t you think your relationship deserves more than 140 characters?

If everything is just peachy, then sending an I love you is swell. But if you’re wanting to apologize, explain, plan, express feelings, offer support, debate or disagree, DO NOT do it electronically. If you must, pick up the phone. But this old guy’s advice is to do it face-to-face.

            Relationships are complicated. Most men don’t do complicated very well. That’s why we need         to keep it simple. Now - let me know if I’m going too fast for you - when we…talk…face-to-beautiful-face with our women, we can see them and they can see us. If they seem to be misunderstanding us, we can change our words, or adjust our eyebrows, to alter our message. When we talk in-person to those we care about, all of the complicated nuances of interpersonal communication happen naturally.

Face to face.  I have to, as in I MUST talk to a person face to face – especially when it’s something difficult I have to say.  I need them to see me, my emotions, my face, my tears, my worry, whatever it might be.  I try desperately to not even do it over the phone if I can help it.  There’s too much lost and I feel like it’s an injustice to the person on the other end.

In a related AoM blog, How to End a Relationship Like a Man an article that I believe, while it is posted on a website geared toward being a better man, undoubtedly benefits both sexes as I think neither one is immune to the temptation of hiding behind technology or completely avoiding the responsibility altogether of being gentle and compassionate with another's feelings.  The summation of the entire article is: 

If you can't handle the prospect of ending a relationship in person, you shouldn't start one in the first place.

This is something I have always placed into the “common sense” file of my gray matter.  I can’t change my mind about it.  Quite frankly, I refuse to change my mind about it.

I will never try to deny that technology benefits communication tremendously. The swiftness and conciseness that comes from being able to cut out the wait, the superfluous ‘stuff’ that just confuses things or wastes time, money, patience…etc.  But we are not machines, the difference between us and the computers, the robots, is that we have feelings and emotions and compassion and empathy.  Why are some people becoming so afraid to use these tools?  Because that is what they are.  Tools for living and being human.  All that extra ‘stuff’ that we can openly convey is what makes us...exceptional.   

At the end of the day, I can't change anyone else, I guess at the very least I can lead by my own example.  Therefore, I choose to always be exceptional.  Even though it’s the hard thing to do sometimes.  Even when it hurts.  Even when I have fucked up royally (because I’m human and I’m bound to fuck up several thousand more times in my life, I’m guessing) and I owe you an apology and a hug and so much more.  I promise, I will do it face to face.