I lost my train of thought

The house where I grew up was in a pretty 'normal', middle class neighborhood in the Midwest. Tree lined streets, kids running around the neighborhood or riding their bikes, a pond and creek nearby where many a frog were fetched, clothes were muddied, and knees were skinned. There were also train tracks that ran along about a 1/4 of a mile away or so, not close enough to ever see the train go by from our house, but close enough to hear the horn blow (I'm tempted to say whistle, because it's a train, and it just seems fitting, but to be accurate in my description, it was definitely a horn sound) and sometimes a small rumble from the cars on the tracks when it got to the intersection of the main road outside of my neighborhood.

I remember so often visitors asking us if the sound bothered us. To which we typically and quite sincerely replied with another question, "What sound?" We'd lived in the house for 9+ years and truly didn't even hear the train anymore, we actually had to try TO hear it.

This memory came back to me the other day while I sat up late one night reading in my new place and I heard a faint, but familiar sound. The sound of a horn in the distance. A train at a crossing somewhere, not so nearby, but not too far away to hear. Much softer than the one from my childhood recollection, but resonating in almost exact resemblance otherwise. It made me wonder about how we seem to become accustomed to things, so much so that we simply no longer notice them. If everything stays the same, or repeats itself in the same manner for so long, we seem to become conditioned, without even realizing, to just not notice it anymore. Even our noses essentially 'stop smelling' the same scent after being around it for an extended amount of time.

I started to wonder if this is why we purposely choose to shake things up once in a while. Life throws us some un-expectations for sure, but how many do we bring upon ourselves? It might even be when things are running unusually well in life. Have you ever picked a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend just for the satisfaction of seeing them react? Just for the exhilaration that might come from sending them into a state in which you don't generally see them? If things were happy and perfect all the time (as we maybe find ourselves wishing they would be), we'd likely grow entirely accustomed to the sameness of it all, wouldn't we? Seems we'd start to lose sensation and just glaze over until life became boring. Same reason we purposely choose to read specific stories, watch particular films or listen to certain music that we know will instigate feelings of sadness or melancholy, or anger and annoyance…purposely bringing about whatever the contrary mood, because you just can't keep feeling the same thing all the time without it losing its worth or worse yet, becoming virtually absent. Maybe we need to stir ourselves out of the hypnosis simply to relearn how to appreciate what we have. Just in case we've lost our train of thought or unintentionally tuned it right out of our consciousness.

I can't make you love me...

...if you don't.

The word love here can be interchanged with like, want, respect, care for, understand…take your pick.

Eve Ensler, of The Vagina Monologues fame speaks about a woman she met in Kenya who went on a crusade to end the horrible act of female circumcision – or more appropriately referred to as female genital mutilation…which is exactly what it is. As a 10 year old child, Agnes suffered this horrendous fate, against her will. She vowed to make a difference, dedicating her life to ending this atrocious practice. The fucked up thing is that as this woman began to speak out, trying to teach people that this behavior is brutally inhumane and appalling, she was actually exiled by her community. Here's something that you'd think wouldn't take much convincing, right? But because people are so conditioned, they are simply unable to sense right and wrong, literally unable to see when wrong is happening in front of their faces. Thankfully, Agnes pressed on for years and insisted on fighting for what she believed in and people eventually started to come around. Although, the fight continues; girls continue to have to run away to the safe house that Agnes had built specifically for this cause. There are still people who believe that Agnes is the one who is in the wrong.

It's incredible to fathom that on both sides of this particular conflict, for instance, both parties truly believe that their belief or action is completely justified, (even though the average person reading this in our society would, without question, deem one side clearly right and the other obviously wrong.

It's difficult to comprehend that even when you have the best intentions, choose the noblest path, give straight from the heart, and care so much it actually hurts, there may continue to be someone (or even many) who will continue to simply not feel your vibe of energy. No matter how much you truly believed they just would.

It's sad that though you might try and hope and wish, you just can't MAKE people understand you…you can only continue to do what you truly believe in your heart is right in your life and hope that maybe one day they might finally come around. And if they don't. Well, then that's the unfortunate part of life too.

I guess the lesson is you don't ever let them discourage you from your path. And God forbid, never, ever stop being you.

"Kill Your Television"

This bumper sticker graced my car back in the early 90's thanks to Ned's Atomic Dustbin. One of the most chaotic concerts I've ever been to in my life, by the way, but this has nothing to do with anything I'm writing about.

I didn't exactly kill my television, but I did sell it when I moved to San Diego. Aesthetically it wasn't working with the layout of this 1920's house, but more importantly, it was no longer working with the arrangement of my soul. In LA, the only time the TV would be on was when my roommate was home. He's the type who likes the noise in the background, even when he sleeps. If he wasn't around for a week, the tv wouldn't be on for a week.

I have not missed its presence even once.

I love to read and find there's even more time than ever to read now. I am able to stay informed with precisely what I am looking to expand my mind with via the internet (with a few distractions, of course…but not enough to have any major impact on my time or my life). I have found the time to donate to good causes and keep up on my correspondence, two things that help to keep me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.

I find that I feel better, physically and mentally, from not having the news shoved in my face 24-7 as well. Some may call it selfish to not want to 'know' everything that's going on in the world, I call it self-preservation. Too much of that negativity and terror and doom is enough to do the same to you, from the inside out. Not to mention the freedom from advertising. What's the latest greatest product that I just have to buy? I have no idea. And I seem to be surviving just fine without it. Let's not be mistaken, I've not locked myself in some log cabin without any contact with the modern world…and I still am a technology junkie, but it's not being crammed down my throat with manipulative copy and catchy-get-stuck-in-your-head-for-days-on-end jingles. What's funny, even with my love for technological gadgetry, I took a step back in time the other day to about 1953 when I wrote on my list of things to buy: "clothes pins".

I have the convenience of a dryer here, but have opted to use the clothesline more often than not. I actually find a sense of peace and joy and contemplation in it. Hanging the clothes up, enjoying the beautiful weather as I do so, appreciating the fact that I live somewhere that the weather is pretty incredible most of the year. Appreciating all the things I see while I'm outside, the lizards that run past me into the canyon, the wild flowers that are blooming quite wildly, for lack of a better word, the hummingbirds who never cease to amaze me with their astounding ability to hover in one place and then speed right past me like a kamikaze. All of this is missed when you're sticking your head into dryer to pull out your dried and shrunken clothes. My grandmother had a dryer for as long as I can remember, and for as long as I can remember, she hung the whole family's clothes out to dry. She was green before her time. She is one woman who certainly appreciated the earth and its gifts, as she could grow an oak tree out of a twig in like a week. Her garden was the most magical place when I was a kid. Roses that would bloom as big as my head, apple trees that yielded the most delicious apples I've ever eaten, even to this day. Don't even get me started on the tomatoes.

Ever since my trip to Peru, my life has slowly been shifting into a much more simple plan. Even the short time that I lived without electricity and hot water (or windows and door locks for that matter) was such an awakening, it's just such a shame that we get conditioned so deeply that it is such a slow process to break yourself of it. But, a positive one nonetheless. I had purged so much stuff that I just didn't need when I got back, and this became a ritual, almost weekly, more and more things got packed up and donated to the Goodwill. I couldn't tell you one thing right now that I miss, I barely even remember what I've donated. It's the most liberating feeling in the world. When I moved to San Diego, box upon box of my eight years in LA began to make their way to donation centers. In the four months that I have been here, I have made 3 trips to the Salvation Army and one to my friend's parents - who go to Mexico weekly to donate our castoffs to the needy. I hope to get to a point where I feel I have nothing 'extra' in my life, nothing that isn't useful, so I don't feel tied down to any 'thing', to be free enough to go and actually do great things, instead of just talking about them. It's funny how easy it is for some to wax poetic about how to live life with a bunch of quotes borrowed from a fortune cookie or their Yogi Tea teabag , but unless you're actually practicing it, it's just a bunch of empty words.

The last time I set a bigger intention to do something, it was regarding teacher training for Bikram Yoga, just a few months later, I looked back at my words in almost disbelief as I wrote my first blog from Hawaii. A life changing experience that I continue to cherish. This time, I'm going to talk about joining the ranks of those who are volunteering their time and energy in places of the world where unspeakable lack exists - and for no good reason. There is really no excuse not to do more. Look out, a few months from now, maybe I'll be writing a blog from a village in Africa, where I'm guessing I probably won't be watching TV.

Audacity in a Box of Tissues

I went to the store today to purchase some everyday necessities: cat food, cat litter, toilet paper, tissues (because I’m sick). Normally, I don’t even buy tissues on a regular basis, knowing how particular I am about a number of things, this surprises even me. But typically, I just grab some toilet paper when the need arises to blow my nose and typically, I don’t have to blow my nose, because I hardly ever get sick. Then of course, I spoke those words out loud the other day and boom, two days later, so sick I was praying for death. Since my nose is so sore from blowing, I stood for a few moments considering exactly which tissues to purchase. I don’t particularly like the lotion filled ones, so I moseyed over to the Kleenex brand and ignorantly picked a box and chucked it in my basket. (I say ignorantly because I’ve been making a ridiculous effort lately to be more green, checking labels, doing my homework, but somehow the tissues didn’t dawn on me. I’d say I’ve been doing a pretty good job, but of course there’s always more to think about. It’s so overwhelming as a matter of fact there’s another blog in the works dedicated to the subject.)

So, the whole point here is, I get home and unpack my things, sneeze a couple hundred times and, naturally go for the tissues I just bought. As I tear off the perforated piece of oval cardboard to get to the tissues, a piece of green paper folded like an accordion is revealed underneath. For a split second, I thought it was a coupon, but something was different about this slip of paper. It looked like someone snuck it in there by the way it was folded, it wasn’t printed on fancy, shiny paper the way you imagine a well marketed and designed coupon would be. Very curiously, I unfolded each crease and began to read the message:

"Here’s a little secret that Kimberly-Clark, the largest tissue maker in the world and parent company of Kleenex, doesn’t want you to know:

Kimberly-Clark makes Kleenex from 100% virgin fiber, which has a devastating impact on ancient forests. When we asked company officials to improve their environmental practices, they refused to change their ways. Kleenex has told us that you the customer, are not interested in buying products good for the Earth."

The message goes on to urge us to act now and communicate with the makers of Kleenex to urge them to make a difference and if they continue to refuse, simply stop buying their products.

This surreptitiously placed note was signed:

GREENPEACE

Immediately, my mind speculated as to how Greenpeace pulled this off. At what point did they infiltrate the Kimberly-Clark corporation? Was it an inside job? Did they pay someone? Or did they get a Greenpeacer hired undercover just to have him or her clandestinely slide these messages into the Kleenex boxes? I can only imagine mine wasn’t the only box with this hidden message…how many could they possibly have gotten to?

This may sound corny as hell, but I got a little charge from this. Knowing that people not only didn’t take No for an answer up against a big corporation, but went about orchestrating a way to get to people individually AFTER they’d already made their purchase was pretty exciting. They went the traditional route and asked nicely, when they were met with resistance, or flat out refusal, they continued to fight. I respect that.

This of course is not the first of an act such as this, and it certainly won’t be the last…especially in this time of great divide and shift and chaos and desperate need for change, environmentally, governmentally and everything in between. We have been pretty fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) as a country for quite some time. Not that there hasn’t been a need to fight for righteousness or fairness, but things haven’t been quite as tilted, let’s say, as they have been in other nations around the world. When things aren’t too unfair, most people don’t feel compelled to get up and speak out. It’s when things get really crazy and unfair and preposterous that the uprising and coming-together-as-one-for-the-cause really begins to happen. In a way, it’s almost good that this shit is alarming. It’s actually kind of good that Bush wasn’t just a little bit of a fuck up, but a HUGE one, so that people are pissed enough to do something and become informed (maybe for the first time in their voting career), instead of just muttering about how shitty everything is lately. Now people are irritated and getting really antsy…so much so that they are seeking out others who share their vision and expectations and hopes. Not only locally, but nationally and even globally. I like it, it’s giving me a charge of adrenalin pretty regularly. It’s reminding me not to be complacent with mediocre, or worse than mediocre, downright unfair, callous or selfish behavior of any sort. I like that we are realizing that we can’t keep putting things off or simply placing blame on someone or something else, because that’s not going to solve the problem. If they keep doing whatever it is that’s ’wrong’, we all continue to be affected.

Reading that note in the tissue box today reminded me a little bit of the way I felt a few years ago when I heard the story of Natalia Dmytruk. In November 2004, Natalia was just another ordinary Ukrainian citizen, doing her job like she did any other day, interpreting the news for the deaf and hearing impaired on state-run television [they don’t have closed-captioning like we do here, they still go the old-fashioned route with a tiny image in the corner of the screen visually signing the spoken information). If you think our elections in the last 8 years were pretty crazy or unjust, imagine if our candidates were being slowly poisoned during their campaigns! (Not that some Americans weren’t hoping, I’m sure.) But, seriously, how ridiculously medieval is that? In the midst of all the craziness, Ukrainians too were dealing with what seemed to be a completely unfair outcome in the polls. Just as we were all shocked, they were too. Well, here’s where Natalia took the problem into her own hands, literally. While the newscaster was announcing the ’winner’ of the election, Natalia began to silently speak out to the deaf community, saying that the election results were false, that everyone was being lied to and they shouldn’t accept it. She also told them in utter fear, that they might not see her again, because she knew she had just done something so defiant, in a country where poisoning a presidential hopeful is apparently a common occurrence, that God only knew what her fate was going to be. Mere hours later word began to spread and people literally took to the streets to contest the vote. If you get a chance, look her up online, her story might give you a goose bump or two: Natalia Dmytruk

People find courage in times of turmoil. People find strength when hope seems to be lost. Whatever it is, a greener planet for ALL of us to enjoy, or ways to keep an empire from crumbling, we all have to fight the fight for what’s right. I don’t claim to know even nearly enough about politics or government or the world – I try to learn and stay informed at the very least, but I can see some huge changes happening and as scary and shitty as everything is going to be for quite some time, I look forward to the huge change for good that is going to come of it. People will almost be forced to learn how to bond together and be more supportive of one another, and learn that "you" is not so different from "me" when the greater cause is going to affect "both of us". As tough times approach, people are going to have to learn to have compassion for one another or things are only going to get tougher. Things have gotten so easy, so to speak, for so long, that I think people have forgotten that we are indeed, as they say - a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.

So basically, turn off some lights, recycle, stay informed, be prudent, be compassionate and be green. Be kind, make love, not war, okay..even if it’s just sex, whatever.

And vote.

This blog, opinion, ramble, whatever you want to call it, brought to you by a box of tissues.