Ancient Chinese Secret

I was leaving a friend's house the other morning and decided to detour into Chinatown on my way back home to find myself an herbalist and have him mix me up a little remedy. While I feel I cleansed myself physically and mentally while in Hawaii, I just couldn't help but think that I might benefit from a nice concoction made from some leaves and twigs and random indigenous Chinese shrubbery.

I walked into the first place whose sign I could actually read. "Herbs". Sounds like a good start. I looked around as I made my way to the pharmacist-looking lady behind the counter. I noticed some interesting items available for purchase in this "herbs" store. Scary looking mushrooms, scary looking dried out fish that still had their heads but their eyeballs were poked out. As I rounded the corner of one glass case, I saw a plastic bin full of very crispy...seahorses. This made me sad, I really like seahorses. Of all the oddities inhabiting the alien world I call 'the ocean', I deem seahorses as one of the most peculiar looking creatures and quite possibly my favorite. There was no turning back now though, I wasn't leaving this place without a bag full of creepy stuff.

The pharmacist pointed me in the direction of the herbalist, he talked to me for a few minutes in something that resembled English. He made me stick out my tongue or at least that's what I think he said. He looked at me funny, this may have been because he noticed something strange with the condition of my tongue or because he had no idea what this seemingly nice Caucasian girl was doing. He wrote out my "prescription" with a bunch of Chinese characters and I prayed that none of them said "eye of newt" or "crunchy, dried-up seahorse". As I handed the paper over to the pharmacist, I watched her carefully as she opened her apothecary drawers and weighed out each ingredient for the 'tea' I was later going to brew at home. I didn't see any horse heads going into the bags, so I was somewhat relieved. I did however realize that I wasn't quite sure what a newt even is, so how would I know if it's eye were in my bag. How big is a newt? What do you suppose its eye tastes like? And is brewing this mixture going to require the use of a cauldron? I do not own one of these.

I couldn't help but think that as they smiled at me and said have a nice day, that they were really thinking, "Sucker!" But, hey what did I have to lose? And how bad could it really be? During my stay in Peru, I ate alpaca and alligator and jungle rat and ants for God's sake! Not to mention drinking that horrid Ayahuasca. This was going to be a piece of cake.

A piece of bitter, nasty, smelly, putrid cake to be precise. I was afraid to look too closely at the bits and pieces that I poured into the pot. A pot that I'm now fairly sure I will never use again, by the way. If I had already convinced myself that there were no equine looking animals in my medicine, then I'd rather just keep thinking that and not inspect anything too closely until it was boiled into a state of completely unrecognizable. So the tea tastes like shit. And I have to drink it twice a day. I gag just thinking about it because it has a similar taste to the Ayahuasca. Not quite as bitter or lingering, thankfully, but still bad enough to make my heart start palpitating when I even think about dosing myself. I've only drank it for 6 days, I have about 4 more to go. Unless, of course, it is decided - presumably when I think I am being asked to stick my tongue out again – that I should take home an additional potion, or a different one for that matter. I am willing to accept this "challenge", just quietly hoping that I don't have to consume anything that once had a face. We'll see.