Where's My Oscar?

And 20 million dollar paycheck?

I have unwittingly become an actress. When did this happen? Why did this happen? More over, HOW did this happen? And why am I not getting paid for it?

Yes, I live in Los Angeles, L.A., La la land...where you and your miniature breed dog can become a celebrity, a household name, a spokesperson, a joke and an E! True Hollywood Story in just one week's time. If you're lucky. And you don't even have to be a good actor.

I mind my own business, I don't have a cute, little dog that wears a shirt stating, "Bitches love me." Although, if I did, he probably might, but I digress. I tell people when I like them, I tell people when I love them. I have nothing to hide. Well, up until lately. It seems more often these days I have to hide the way I feel about certain situations. Usually in an attempt to just keep the peace, or take the high road or to be "gracious", but not a genuine gracious, of course. It's all an act. Smile ever so kindly and/or say thank you so that you can save face...the other person's face.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of making situations comfortable, when they clearly are not. Do you think it's pleasant for me to receive your obviously regifted gift? No, it's not. It's SO uncomfortable, as a matter of fact, it makes me want to jump out of my own skin. But, to help YOU avoid feeling stupid, I will play dumb. I smile and say thank you so very much for your thoughtfulness. And as I walk away, I wonder why I felt the need to deny my feelings and spare yours. When did it become not okay to say what's really on my mind? Because it's a shitty thing to do? Well, guess what? So is regifting!!! You know what sounds fair to me? Returning the 'gesture' with the same sincerity in which it was given. Let's see how that goes.

Or what about the night I ran into a guy that I was spending a significant amount of time with and he happened to be with his on-again girlfriend? I once again tucked my feelings in my pocket and pretended that I was no one of any significance, particularly to him...to spare them both an extremely uncomfortable moment. Neither one of them aware that when I finally got to my car, I broke down and cried.

Why have other people's reputations, feelings, and shitty behavior become my responsibility to uphold? Why do I have to struggle to hold back the tears until I can hide so that no one will know the truly pathetic things that are actually happening? Why am I suddenly an actor whose job it is to conceal or completely dismiss my own feelings, on a regular basis?

Where's my fucking Oscar?